Feel your feelings: Why avoidance makes emotions last longer

I have the terrible habit of trying to ignore it when I feel ill. If I feel a cold coming, I’ll try to continue as normal, as if it will trick my body into feeling better. As I’ve learned time and time again, that’s not how things work.

This weekend I could feel a cold coming and, rather than doing my usual “pretend it’s not happening” technique, I stopped, rested, and allowed myself to be unwell. The result: instead of struggling for a week, it’s Monday and I can already feel it’s almost gone.

This is a great way of looking at feelings. Too often we try to ignore negative feelings, thinking that if we pretend they’re not there, they’ll simply cease to exist. We know that only works for so long. Suppressing difficult emotions for a long time can show up in other ways, both emotional and physical.

I read a quote years ago, from a celebrity I can’t remember, that said when they feel sad, they allow themselves 24 hours to be sad and then they need to wake up and get over it. It stuck with me. As children, we’re often told “you’re okay” when we’re upset. We’re not taught to feel our feelings. As adults, this evolves into us feeling we have to “shake it off” or “man up” any time we feel something. The issue is, many of us have no idea what a negative emotion actually feels like, because we’re constantly feeling the sensations of avoiding the emotion rather than the emotion itself.

Do you know what anger, sadness, or worry actually feel like in your body? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel an emotion? Are the sensations you experience actually the anxiety about how an emotion will feel, or how you’ll react to it? This is not advice to sit in difficult emotions indefinitely. That is unlikely to be beneficial. I am challenging you to see what the fuss is about and become more connected with yourself.

Give this a try: The next time something heavy comes up, try a simple two-minute check-in: name the feeling, locate it in your body, breathe into that spot for ten slow breaths, then write one sentence about what it needs. Feel it, then move. This keeps you from avoidance without getting stuck.