Stuck in Limbo

I’ve done barely anything for the past few months in terms of documenting my journey. Today I finally paid for Squarespace, after my trial ran out, so I could start writing blogs again. I really struggle with middle ground scenarios, possibly because of my ASD (I have Aspergers - apparently you’re not meant to call it that anymore, but that’s what the doctor said so I’ll stick with it). Even before I got my diagnosis a couple of years ago, I used to always tell people that I’m like a light switch, I’m either on or off. Did you ever try, as a kid, to make your light switch stick in the middle? Neither on or off, just flat in the centre? Well, that’s where I’m at right now and I hate it.

I’m not super familiar with all of the terms that are associated with neurodiversity - I try to look at how my ADHD and Asperges effects me as an individual rather than seeing everyone on the spectrum as a monolith. However, I think the term I’m looking for here is ‘functional freeze’, which is something I experience a lot. I often get so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I end up doing nothing. The thought of having to pick out an outfit is too much for me so I stay in my PJs and don’t leave my house. The list of things I need to tidy in my flat is so long that I don’t even try to start it. Right now, being in limbo between the decision to leave my company and actually leaving is causing everything else in my life to pause. I’m doing what needs to be done to appear as though I’m functioning to the outside world but I’m failing to do anything more than that.

I feel bad for looking forward to leaving but, I am. It’s just how my brain works. I cannot start anything else until this bit is done.